Alone in a crowd

I feel lonely. A lot. It's been a constant in my life since I was a child. There are things that I choose not to remember or dwell on but if I am being honest with myself, I've always been lonely. I think sometimes, it manifests itself as anger or apathy mostly as a defense mechanism. If I tell myself I don't need anything or anyone, maybe it will be true but that is hollow. I wonder if an Artificial Intelligence is crawling the web trying to learn about human behavior, what would it think if it came across this blog? Or the million others probably like that out there? Would it be able to understand and make sense of the human experience and needs more than an actual human. I do suppress a lot of memories and emotions and the older I get, I'm not sure if I've become numb or the opposite where the suppressed emotions burst out in ways I can't control or understand. I remember long walks home alone from school because no one was there to pick me up and I didn't have any other friends or people I could ask for a ride. I went through high school without really talking to anyone - family or friends. Sat by myself a lot to eat in the college dorms. I still remember my ears burning sometimes feeling like I was the only one by myself. I've felt like an observer to life more than a participant. Just watching but too scared to be involved. The sad truth is I still feel like that even with 3 wonderful kids. I don't want them to ever feel like that. I can be in a big crowd of people - strangers, family, friends...it doesn't matter - and still feel so alone. The most connected I feel is when I'm hugging my kids as they fall asleep. They don't know how much I love and cherish that.

I don't know if M. and I's marriage is going to last. She seems done with me and if I'm being honest, I probably haven't given much reason to continue. It's sad. It's not because I quit my job - our problems no doubt go deeper than that and this is just the latest. I go through phases of we're throwing away something good to maybe it will be best for us. Marriage is work and if neither of us is willing to compromise and put in the work or commitment, then it probably will not work. My heart physically hurts though - I never thought that was possible. If both of us are feeling this way regularly, it can't be good for either of us or the kids.