Mental Focus

I was listening to a Trevor Noah and Jay Shetty podcast the other day. One think Trevor Noah said really resonated with me.

"I don't have a problem focusing or concentrating hard on something. It's choosing what to focus on that's difficult"

He said this in the context of ADHD. Makes me wonder if I am affected the same way. When I get into something, I can focus singlemindedly on that one thing to the exclusion of everything else. In that sense, I can focus and concentrate with the best of them. It's deciding what to focus on and prioritizing that I admittedly have a difficult time with. My wife, M, is very good at putting together a to-do list and then just going through and knocking them out. I am not. I'll put together a to do list and start one thing and then go down 50 different tangents that pique my curiosity. During high school and probably even college, it didn't really affect my grades as I've always been generally good at tests. Was able to pass by successfully if just measured by grades. However, similar to my last post, I don't think I fully learned anything or grew as a person...it's like I wasn't fully there or devoting 100% of my brain power, self, mind or whatever you want to call it. Now that I'm 40 and at a different stage of my career, I think these "shortcomings" are affecting not only my mental wellbeing but also where I can progress to in a career and as a well-rounded individual.

I'm not sure if I have ADHD but it sure sounds like it. My whole life, I've always had the mindset that this was a negative or shameful thing and a sign of weakness. So much so that I've willfully ignored it and avoided trying to improve, get better or in a way just mature as a human being. In the end, I think the main person I've hurt the most doing this has probably been myself. From missed opportunities. From chasing the wrong things. From not getting close enough to people and vice versa mistakenly putting blind faith in others for the wrong reasons.

M has always been pushing me to go see a therapist. I've always been against this probably out of a false self confidence or bravado. I'm at the point now where I do believe I need to address some of these issues (still not at a point where I can clearly define what exactly issues are) and admit to myself that I'm not as smart or confident or brave as I think I am. There is some weird release in just doing that but it's still incredibly difficult because this story is still in progress.