On motivators

As I think back to what has motivated me in the past, I realize that I'm driven more by emotions than goals. Not sure if there's a clinical definition or theory for this. More reactive than proactive. I haven't been driven by typical goals like getting a big house, making a certain salary, getting the right promotion, showing off material things. I'm not saying these are bad motivators. They obviously work for the majority of society and the fact that I don't go for these things - in fact, I actively run away from them - makes for a difficult, lonely path. My motivators have been emotions - fear, anger, survival, desire to do good. In reality, the negative emotions are more powerful than the positive. I think anger and hurt have been my most powerful motivators. It's allowed me to shut out what isn't working in my life and go after something. I would not advise anyone to go fully down this path. Without a goal, there is no happiness at the end of this path. That said, fully following goal oriented motivators does not seem to be the best path either - there seem to be so many examples of people getting that promotion or big house or target bank account balance but that doesn't result in happiness. I think there is a way to channel raw human emotions to drive creativity. Seems like the best songs, paintings, books come from tortured artists - people finding an outlet to their pain and suffering.

I'm in a phase of dull hurt right now. In the past, this would have lead to anger and an urge to fight off the stressor. I'm not feeling that right now. I still get angry a little but the biggest thing I feel is an overwhelming urge to try and detach and let go. I do find that I'm able to focus better and cut out noise though than before where I felt like I was just spinning. I'm hoping I can channel it into something positive. I think this is going to be a tough few months coming up but I want to put forth my best effort this time instead of not swinging...even if it means letting go of some things. I'm hoping it will be better in the long run.