Public vs Private Blog

So this blog is meant to be my personal journal. If someone finds it, so be it but I'm not promoting it...maybe I'm just littering the internet with more existential angst. I did start another blog though which is meant to be public and hopefully more practical. That's not to say that both aren't needed but I do want to learn more about how to practically apply principles because let's face it, at some point I am going to need to make money. I'm not going to link to it or mention it again here in order to keep the spirit of this blog alive - raw, brutal self reflection and honesty.

I was talking to a friend the other day who might be going through the same existential questioning that I am. We both turned 40 and wondering how we ended up at this point in our lives (and where to go from here). Maybe she is. Maybe she isn't. Anyway, she said something that I'm feeling too - can feel my feelings physically. When she's anxious, she feels heavy in the chest around her heart. When she's mad, she can feel the steam coming out of her ears. I've been feeling a heaviness around my heart often lately. I just assumed it was I'm getting older, high blood pressure etc. but maybe it stems from anxiety. Not quite sure how to address it but I do hope to "figure" it out. At a minimum, I'm going to try and take the "monk" view in the future where when I feel these physical symptoms, to try and disassociate and take the big picture view - nothing is worth getting overly anxious or angry about to the point where it affects your body and physical well-being. Maybe that's what the monks (or priests or shamans or whatever) mean when they reach spiritual enlightenment.

I'm so used to trying to be goal or practicality oriented where what I'm doing yields some immediate benefit or path to some quantifiable reward. As I write these internally questioning and abstract posts, it is difficult. It is needed though for me to quiet my mind and rediscover my self.