Therapists and Therapy

So I had my first therapy appointment yesterday. I shouldn't say it was my first one - I've actually tried it multiple times over the past 5 years and not really sure if it helped. M. is a big believer in therapy and thinks everyone should do it. A lot of her friends seem to feel the same way and the internet seems to say the same thing. I went to see one in 2019 after being laid off from my job. Admittedly, I was probably not in the right mind state then to see one and was probably just doing it because M. pushed me to. It sounds bad but since I really had no idea how to pick a therapist, I picked the most attractive looking one based off the photo because I figured if I have to talk to someone for an hour, it might as well be someone attractive. Not a good idea. I went to 4 sessions and although they were fine, I don't think I really got anywhere - I was still closed off and not really receptive to change.

A few years later, I tried another one on my own because I felt that I was starting to need it. Was feeling irritable at little things and starting to feel that I needed to resolve some buried feelings. I used one of those online platforms (I think it was Cerebral). The first appointment, the therapist said that talk therapy did not seem like a good fit for me (I was and still am very guarded) and suggested I take some antidepressants. Tried it for a few weeks but felt uncomfortable doing that. I'm nervous about chemically changing my brain. For better or worse, it has brought me here to today and although there are things I want to "fix" or become comfortable with, I'm scared to mess too much with physical/chemical alterations. Anyway, I don't think I got anywhere there either. A couple of years ago, I also tried meeting with a career counselor to hopefully gain some insight into why I felt so unhappy at my job and where I might go from there. We did a lot of exercises and reflection and it might have been like opening up pandora's box. I felt even unhappier in my job afterward and think that in some ways, things that I might have just sucked up and put up with started to bother me even more. In some ways, it probably played a part in me quitting my job now with nothing lined up and no real plan on what to do afterwards. All of the jobs which I might be qualified for seem to repel me and I just have no interest in even pursuing them. I want to spend the time to internally reflect and work on myself but it is a very hard, vague and undefined process which seems dangerous of falling into an abyss.

This time, I felt fully committed to trying the process of therapy and was really looking forward to the appointment. I picked a male therapist who's bio stated specialty in existential issues and scheduled an online appointment through my insurance company. I wish I could say that it was a pivotal, life changing experience but that was not the case. To put it bluntly, I just didn't like the guy. I felt that I was ready to talk and explore but I just didn't get a good vibe from the guys. He seemed like he was just going through a rote set of questions, seemed irritated and angry most of the time and seemed very focused on defining me and all my immediate familes by careers or professions. I get that it's probably annoying to constantly talk to people dealing with existential angst - frankly that was my opinion on therapy and people that sought it a few years ago. I guess I'm just disappointed because I felt I was ready for the process this time and something about the whole session just didn't seem comfortable or right - bad huaca if you will.

I'm not really sure where to go from here. I realize that not every therapist is the right fit and I'll probably try another one. I do think I've tried a lot now (4 and counting) and so far, I'm not having that coombaya moment that the internet is conditioning me to believe will happen. Its actually a surprisingly difficult and confusing process to even schedule and see therapists - at least I find it so. At the root, I feel like I might have ADHD and maybe should go into the next one focused on that with a clear goal and outcome in mind. Maybe that's not the right approach but I'll continue to iterate and see - in a weird way, I'm treating my personal journey now in the same way I would a professional one.