Tuesday Reflections

I do struggle with what to write here but feel like I just need to start to get comfortable. Should I start with all the negative things that I need to work on? Or focus on positives in order to pick me up? Maybe I try to offer learnings and theories on what I think I know of the world. It seems too early for the last one as I don't feel that I really have anything figured out. I'm just going to write.

Today, I went into the D and P's classroom for D's birthday celebration. It was nice being able to go in and enjoy it without feeling like I needed to rush off somewhere. I suppose that's the feeling of being present instead of constantly thinking about something else. The girls are in that stage that they look up to M and I so much so it's nice to feel wanted. I'm going to enjoy it as much as possible! D was so excited to have us there. On Thursday, P has her birthday celebration and I'm looking forward to going there.

I do feel nervous talking and being around a lot of people - even if they are 3-6 yr olds. It's something that I've struggled with my whole life but I don't think I've ever really dug down deep to try and turn it around. I'm really not sure what the root cause is and think that in order to truly move forward, I need to put in the consistent time, effort and practice to understand why. I look back at some of my past writings and "accomplishments" and they feel hollow or fake. Like they were checking a box but I never really went fully in or was vested. Almost like the saying "lipstick on a pig" but nothing really of substance there. It's hard to admit but the truth is, I'm not really proud of how I've lived my life or what I've achieved to date even if on the surface, it seems passable. It's not that I feel that I've done anything wrong (although admittedly, I have made a lot of mistakes and done some irrational things); it's more I feel like I wasn't 100% there or committed.

I'm not writing this because I have a plan to turn anything around - I don't. It is important to acknowledge painful truths objectively though.