Who am I? Part 3

3/8/20233 min read

sliced fruit on white ceramic plate
sliced fruit on white ceramic plate

I'm trying to write in this blog as often as possible. Ideally 4-5 times per week. This is my personal journal though. I do find that when I open this up to write, I've got a tendency to try and find a topic or something that I feel would be useful to others...something to expound on, preach about or give an opinion. I think that defeats the purpose though. As a personal thought journal, it should be free-flowing with whatever thoughts or feelings are going through my head at the moment. I find it interesting and valuable to look introspectively to think about Who am I so I think I'm going to continue down that path. I forget where I left off but:

  • I like to be around people but not with them. Let me try to explain. I like being in cities, working in coffee shops, people watching and just generally being around other people. At the same time, I don't necessarily want to talk to them or be close to them. Or at least I think I don't, it sounds like a lot of emotional effort.

  • I appreciate beauty - pretty gardens, good design, impressive architecture, beautiful women.

  • Sometimes I feel like an imposter. I'm scared to put myself to out there. Whether its saying how I really feel to someone (either romantically or platonically), trying to "climb the ladder" or achieve whatever is traditionally considered success, buying nice things, having unadulterated fun without regard for anything else etc. Sometimes I think back to that moment on the baseball diamond. Where the pitch came right down the middle on the second last out of the championship game. And I didn't swing. I wonder if it's a metaphor for other situations in my life to date. Not taking a chance and swinging at the opportunity.

  • I want to be there for people but admittedly, I don't think I really have been to date. Mostly for the reason above, I'm scared to put myself too out there.

  • I bury emotions. At first, I was fine with it. It helped me to move on quickly from past hurts and failures. However, after talking to M. and trying a few different therapists, I'm trying to dig in and face past hurts (I think the therapists call it trauma) head on. To be honest, at this point, I'm not quite sure if it's the right approach. Maybe some things are meant to be buried for a reason and it might not be healthy to reopen.

  • I feel like I'm overly confident and horribly insecure at the same time. The older I get, the less confident I'm getting. I'm not sure if I'm getting more insecure though...it's either more accepting of my circumstances or less motivated to change. Both reasons don't seem quite right though.

  • I don't know what I'm uniquely good at. I do think that I'm in the wrong profession if accounting is my chosen profession. I don't like it on a daily basis and don't think I'm particularly skilled at it. It requires being detail oriented on a broad array of routine tasks that occur on a regular basis. I think I can be detail oriented in spurts (on high intensity projects) but I hate doing it on a regularly recurring basis. I think I operate more on the mentality that if it's 80% right, that's good enough which is not the right mindset for an accountant. I got my degree in accounting and have a CPA but I've been trying to run away from pure accounting focused roles my whole life.

  • I hate the question "What do you do?" Probably a big reason is that I don't actually like what I "do". I don't really understand why a job has to define who one is in today's society. Sleep, work, commute, raise kids, sleep, work, commute, die. It seems so boring. The older I get, the more it seems like people try to pigeon hole you and bucket you into an understandable role.